First off, my dad had the time of his life learning a new word: "blumpkin". For those pure of soul, to recieve a blumpkin is to recieve a pole polishing whilst emptying your bowels. Put simply, getting head while taking a shit. This apparently amused my father to no end, as he would cough the word and giggle like an idiot every few minutes. Blumpkins are where comedy is headed.

My family and I also went to the Dole Plantation--you know, the people who bring us pineapples, bananas, and other fruit. Not only do they sell fruit, but they all sorts of ridiculous merchandise. Stuff like shirts, keychains, and, I shit you not, hand puppets in the shape of their pineapple mascot. They even had Hello Kitty and Spongebob stuff there. In all the midst of this corporate greed, I could only notice that they had missed one important product. One that all visitors would be interested in.

Introducing the Doldo:

It's the dildo from Dole... the Doldo!

Just try and tell me, ladies, that you wouldn't buy a high-quality material dildo in the shape of the mascot of your favorite fruit provider. I hear it has ridges like a real pineapple for your pleasure.

This is the shit I think about when I'm bored. Aside from fish that looked like swimming traffic cones, there wasn't much else to Hawaii.