I realize that it's kind of lame to talk about games that came out more than a few months ago, but hear me out.

I picked up this game about a month ago because I'm about four years behind the rest of civilization. I've liked previous Mario Kart installments and thought it would be fun. Boy was I wrong.

If the above picture doesn't explain it well enough, my main point is this: The game is too fucking hard. Either that, or I suck at it. The easiest race, 50cc, is a complete snooze while 150cc, the "hardest" race, is damn near impossible. The N64 version was nowhere near this difficult; I've restarted a million times because some fucker shot a shell up my ass at the wrong time or the whole fucking world collapsed ten seconds after the start, giving that snide asshole computer a wide head start with no need to worry about anyone catching up ever.

God forbid you make a mistake while driving. One misused item, one rough patch of road, or one lucky enemy shot will fuck over the whole race and knock you down about six positions. Think you're in first? Not for long! Some bastard AI in 8th place will get a blue shell and knock your ass out right before the finish line. By the time you recover you can maybe glide across with a solid 6th place!

And the other characters? They don't care. They laugh at you as they pass you up. They mock you. They belittle you. And worse yet, they smile, because deep down, they want to see you fail. Nothing would make them cum faster than seeing you on the side of the road with a green shell where your head used to be. And after all is said and done and the race is over, your backseat character will wallow in shame and wonder why the fuck he ever agreed to race with your stupid ass at the wheel.

But it doesn't matter. Because you'll pick him again. And again. Until you win. Because winning is all that matters.